got guilt?

Guilt is a nasty little word. It creeps up on you in sneaky, sinister steps, grabs your ankle and tries to force your head under the surface of reality into oxygen-less agony. Every encounter with this little bugger is utterly unique and custom tailored for your ah-hem...enjoyment?

Guilt has been the inspiration for countless overwhelming projects, an unfortunate attempt at scrapbooking, hours of analysis, the impulse behind many a carb feeding frenzy and most effectively feeling the full spectrum and angst of letting the universe down for not getting everything right the first time.

Pressure....anyone?? Beuller....Bueller?

I know full well the desire to compete as a parent. The silly nurses in the hospital, or birthing center, hand you a kid and you are instantly immersed in the world of comparison.

All day-every day you are asking yourself..."is this enough?"..."is this right for my kid?"...."how is he going to be perceived?"...."what are people going to say about us?"....."what do other autie-moms do about this?"......

"what happens if I don't do this right?"

I've decided that guilt has a companion....perfectionism. OH and another one...intolerance.

Soooooo. I think where I'm going with this is taking the first step to recovery: recognition. You make progress from drowning in your own puddles all the way back to the point where guilt starts getting that grip on your ankle. Baby steps backwards to the point where you are relaxed....comfortable in your own skin.....able to enjoy and savor your parenting journey.

I don't want my kid growing thinking that he has to swing a sledgehammer at life and bend it to his will. We are changing our tune. The strategy is now....dance lessons.

So...to be truthful.
Do I still feel guilt?
Absolutely.
Is it rational?
No.
BUT....at least I can SEE guilt coming now whereas before it was a nasty surprise.
What seems to be the best dance lesson/antidote so far?
That it is ok to make mistakes. It is wonderful to apologize and show my son that I am not perfect and he doesn't have to live up to an unattainable standard. And most importantly of all.....you have an infinity number of do-overs.

As the immortal words of Dory: just keep swimming...just keep swimming.