making modifications.....

If there is one thing I've mastered, it is turning the world upside down in order to get my kiddos what they need. It feels great that I can give them that. And to anyone else for that matter. I LOVE figuring out IEP puzzles for friends and helping them get through the maze that is "figuring out what your kids need and getting help".

Figuring out what I need is, however, a whole other strange world.

I think any human being shares my struggle.

It has been a year and five months since Tyler's placement and instead of getting better, I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

Visits with the boys are triggering crippling anxiety and upset. I lose my mind when Guy suggests we take the kids to a new place to eat or to play. I just can't do it. I can only handle activity in the narrow parameters that we have defined over the past two years. And even then, some times I am just barely handing on to my nerves while we are there, cry all the way home and stay filled with self loathing till the next visit.

I've been expecting my mood to lighten and ease with each month. We've had some wonderful visits together and it really seemed like the dark days were coming to an end. This is what's been the whole point of this giant disruptive transition.

All that good will seemed to evaporate with a couple of tough visits, the start of school, Spencer's IEP and my new job. It sounds silly that simple events could cause so much trauma but it is true.

And it all gets compounded when it is squished under the crushing guilt of "a good mom wouldn't have a problem with that". The laundry list of things in my head of what a "good mom" does is endless and feels incredibly essential.

A GOOD MOM:

WANTS to see her children every day.
SHOULD have done so many things to get the kids ready for school.
SHOULD be able to just pick them up and take them wherever she wants whenever she wants...just like typical kids.

DOESN'T put her children in a group home.

Horrible, nasty feelings filled to the brim with judgement and expectation. And they are NOT helping. It is time to identify all those sneaky thoughts and decide which ones I am going to believe. They are too heavy to carry around.

Taking my children anywhere is mentally, physically and emotionally draining to begin with. The safety issues never end. Puberty is a minefield of embarrassing moments just waiting to strike. And the lack of reciprocal affection is a deep ocean that can never be crossed. So all those heavy feelings really make everything 10 times worse.
I'm a year an a half out from the huge change and it feels like the mourning is just getting started. I'm finally in a place where I can feel everything that I haven't had time to deal with for 13 years. The rage...the sadness....the upset is all bubbling up and there is nothing to do but finally feel all of it and finally be. Wading through is the only way out. And in order to do that, I need to be flexible in how I am going to handle all this.

Last night I figured out one thing that will help.

The boys needed some clothes and I was going to drop them off before my evening shift last night. Sitting in traffic gave me time to see that I was getting sick just thinking about visiting the house. So I decided to wait till after work. Guy ended up taking the boys out for John's Incredible Pizza.

I put in my shift and then dropped by the house at 9:30. The boys were in their pajamas, ready for bed. The house was quiet and I got a chance to cuddle, squeeze and tickle them undisturbed. THAT is what I needed. To be around the boys in a low stress, low energy moment. I tucked them into bed the way I used to and had my mommy moment that I was craving.

I can't do public outings right now.

I have to start over.

I am going to make modifications for me now.