I have been walking around with a cloud over my head for some time now. This last year I made big progress with my fitness and lost 40 pounds. Once the summer started and I had the boys at home all day every day for three months I could only go into maintenance mode. I held steady until Spencer's final IEP two months ago. Since then I have gained back 15 pounds. It has been a steady spiral out of control and I was eating myself sick every day.
What is striking to me is just how distorted my thinking is. The Stress taints my perspective to where I have been filled with self-loathing. While on vacation with my sisters, I was constantly distracted my how tight my clothes have been getting.
Here I am with my nieces and the only thing on my mind was, "how can I pose to make sure my face doesn't look so bloated".
So silly. These gorgeous little girls are so much fun. It was such a pleasure to spend a few days playing auntie. I don't see the bloat anymore, I see the love I have for my family.
I'm determined now to find a way to break the cycle. I had an emotional enema this weekend. Guy let me spew all my frustrations and disappointments about myself. I think I lost 10 pounds just letting go of all that emotional crap! I will be more vigilant this week in journaling my negative, obsessive thoughts and giving myself full credit for all the good I am doing.
Guy just happened to send me a quote this morning that I love:
Mother Teresa was asked at the end of her life whether she was discouraged because after decades of caring for the dying and destitute in Calcutta little seemed to have changed. She replied, "No. God doesn't call me to be successful. God calls me to be faithful.”
My angst stems from being good enough, being enough period for myself, my family and my faith.
Here's to a week of greater appreciation for the process and gratitude for the opportunity.
I am NOT my obsessive/negative thoughts.
I am enough.
3 comments:
Love the quote and love the blog Danna. I think you put into words what a lot of us will deny or won't admit to.
I hope you have a wonderful week!
ditto on mel. it's inevitable to feel that way every now and again. it just takes a lot more guts to face it and move on. (i usually just run away!)
You read my mind! I too am an emotional eater, and I hate how quickly that can spiral out of control. Sometimes I just tell myself that I "deserve" to overeat when things feel so bleak, when what I really deserve is a good cry and a big hug.
Missed reading your blog! Glad to be catching up.
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