I have been considering a Christmas post for some time now. The hours at work have been long and tiring. I had time to think during my commute every day. I drive to work, stand on my feet for 7 hours, drive home, fall into bed.
I wish people a "Merry Christmas" all day long and do my darndest to give them excellent customer service every time. It really is a pleasure to try to exceed their expectations and notice their delighted smiles and sincere gratitude. All the while I'm thinking about all the regular Christmasy things that aren't happening in my own life.
How did I celebrate the season when time, energy and resources were limited?
One chance I had was at Midnight last weekend. I was trudging out to the parking garage with a co worker and a man approached us asking for money. It was startling to see him coming at us in the dark and I was glad I wasn't alone. Normally I don't give out money to panhandlers. I have my reasons and they are my own, but I didn't ignore the prompting I felt that one time. I handed him a considerable sum. He was shocked and did a double take when he looked at the bill and asked me "seriously"? He thanked me profusely and my mom instinct kicked in. I warned him to use it wisely. Can you believe that? I'll nag anybody.
Another opportunity came when I could tell a customer was troubled. She told me in very rapid Spanish that her husband had died of bone cancer two days earlier. She wanted to die. The shopping that day was meant to distract her from her pain but she was struggling. I held her hand and listened. I let her talk and let her know that it was ok to be sad. I gave her a pretty perfume sample that I had been given from my coordinator to cheer her up. I told her to take it and enjoy it one day at a time. She left with a grim smile on her face but I could see a shadow of relief. I did a little good for her that day.
I helped a friend of mine with a crash course in makeup application for her son's wedding. She came to see me at work and I took a couple hours at her house to practice again. I knew I had given her my best work when she said her husband had always told her she was pretty but that night she FELT pretty for the first time. Jackpot.
Today was Christmas Eve and I patiently wrapped all the last minute purchases the frantic husbands were making today. I tried to cheer them up and steer them away from improvising on the gifts that their spouses and partners had asked to get. Ladies....I am looking out for you!
As for me and my family, it was a different story.
I didn't put up my Christmas tree this year. I decorated with one item that said..."Holy Night". My brother Russ and his family gave that to me. I watched the neighbors put up strand after strand of lights and didn't want to deal with that. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me anymore.
I did not bake stuff for neighbors. We didn't do our annual cookie party.
I did get to see my son's Christmas choir concert and it was beautiful. I did play all the music for our ward's Christmas sacrament meeting on Sunday....all of it.
A lot of the time I have been trying to remember good holiday memories. But most of them have been crowded out by the years of dealing with the boys' therapy programs. I would dread the holiday breaks when the endless hours of wrangling the boys would just drive me crazy. I hated having to quit traveling to see family because it was just too much. I hated depriving DJ of seeing his cousins and grandparents. I hated taking DJ to see family with just one of his parents so the other could stay home and keep the therapy schedule intact. We tried to make do every year. I tried to do all the things that I did as a child to make the season special but it was agony. Every activity and event had to be edited, modified, shortened, and endured all the while hoping that it would all be temporary. The autism would get cured and then we could start having the family experiences that I dreamed of. Somehow we could have some touching memories that weren't just the colossal disasters of destruction and battle fatigue that happened every.... single..... day.
There is no small amount of self loathing too that I am struggling to be grateful. I read Nie Nie and I can sympathize with her challenge of being disabled and disfigured but in the pictures she posts I see wealth, priviledge and normalcy. I covet her circumstances. I would rather have a burnt up body and five perfectly healthy children. ( I've tried to stop reading her blog before but now I think it really is too much to read).
I love my Savior Jesus Christ. He is the most important person in my life. I am so grateful for His sacrifice for me. He is helping me find my way through this challenge that I have but I will not pretend that it is easy. It does change the holidays for me. They are simple now. They are stripped down to the bare bones of me and my daily practice of worship.
So tomorrow is Christmas day. We will see the boys and give them their new iPads. I am so sad that they can't be here with me. But I know that someday...this is all going to get better. We are going to be better. It is going to be better. And until that day comes, I will make every day Christmas Day.
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