I've been noticing the responses that people have given me to the news of moving the boys out of the house. They are all sounding so similar.
What is fascinating to me is how different they are from the conclusions I automatically come to in my own head about the situation.
Today really caught me off guard when an friend stopped me in church to talk to me. She mentioned that she was thinking about me this week. Her comment stunned me. She said that she was struck by how brave I was to make the change. Her genuine concern was full of hope that we would be able to negotiate these tough emotions and that we would feel new levels of relief from the physical demands of our situation.
I'm hearing the same thing over and over again. People are relived to hear that we have finally decided on this change.
They say:
"I know it is tough but this really is the best thing for your family",
"You are so wise to do this and give your oldest boy some long needed attention and flexibility",
"You have done such a good job for such a long time",
"I can't believe that you guys have hung on for this long",
"I have watched you struggle for such a long time, I'm glad you are finally going to get a break",
"The boys are going to be able to learn so much more and thrive in a more highly structured environment"
"There is no human way possible for you to give them all that they need"
"Stop beating yourself up because you don't have the strength of a TEAM of assistants"
and then the all time favorite that I have heard 1000 times since the beginning, " I don't know how you do it".
I feel like I've been killing myself for such a long time trying to prove that I CAN DO IT that sending the boys away is admitting a failure.
Contrast all of those comments with what pops up in my own mind:
I've just been too lazy to really do what it takes
We could have done something else.
It is ok to just live like this forever.
The boys need us. If they stay at home-nothing will ever happen to them
Nothing but bad things will happen to them if they leave.
We just need to push harder and I need to make do with less. I need to stop wanting more and then our job will get easier.
What we are doing is cruel. The boys really do understand everything and they will be forever damaged from sending them away.
There is no way they will ever be happier somewhere else.
Am I being too honest? Part of me thinks that there are others out there thinking the same and suffering in silence.
Everyone's "enough" is different. I think I'm finally being forced to accept a standard for myself instead of always expecting and demanding more. It is the END of all things to draw a line in the sand and say....this is too much for me.
4 comments:
It's so hard to know what's best when they don't talk. On the surface, it seems like living at home would be best but there does come a time when the "home" resources are expended or worn out.
When that happens, I guess the group home is indeed the answer and if it results in a better outcome for the one remaining with you and the same outcome for the other two kids, that's perhaps all one could hope for.
wow. i can really tell what you're feeling. such a push and pull situation. hang in there. (i say that a lot don't i? )
and every time you say it....it helps! Thanks Annie.
Only you and your husband know what's best for your kids, don't listen to others outside of your family.
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