As I have matured...ahem, gotten older.....I have discovered a new friend called anxiety. I'm positive that this visceral reaction isn't new, it's just evolved into it's more powerful form in the last few years. What with all the fun and giggles we've experienced wrangling our little autie darlings.
With each year of escalating noise and behaviors I have retreated further and further into a pattern of seclusion. It's like I've morphed into two polar opposites. Phenomenal cosmic power to stay consistent with behaviors and steel my nerve.........itty bitty ability to enjoy real life.
Dealing with, understanding and identifying my new friend has become my new project thanks to the gentle proddings of my new Psych. It is an enormous relief to pour out all my aches and pains and now that we have spent a few hours together she is able to understand my circumstances and start pointing me in helpful directions.
In fact the best part of our session this week was when I shared how awful Tyler's tantrums were this week. He's upset and crying and it won't stop. He can't verbalize what is wrong. (Just like a one year old only he is 5'3" and weighs 125 pounds grimacing in your face)
She made this point. She has clients that are fully verbal, without autism that have tantrums and cannot tell you what is bothering them. (whew! Huge sigh of relief! I'm not a crappy mom after all. I didn't waste my time all these years.)
I have a problem being spontaneous. The thought of even going out somewhere still triggers deep pangs of fear. You know you steel your nerve and learn how to look all Zen-like and serene in the store but the emotions that you have to curb are exhausting. (I'm talking about when I would take the boys with me). Even when I'm out by myself, I still feel like I'm hiding a secret.
Tonight we are going to attempt to go to the drive-in movie with some friends. I'm already upset inside about it. I "should" be fine taking Ty out and trying stuff just like everyone else. The worst that could happen is that we leave early. Our friends won't care and their kids are really sweet to Ty. But I know I will care. I'm sure if I bring enough Swedish Fish and popcorn, it will be all right. I'm just going to have to keep reminding myself of that all day. It is a challenge to not give into the tune of " I'm soooooo tired of being different".
I know I'm going to be able to put my fears into a healthy, manageable context. No question about that. It is just going to take some time to re-train.
3 comments:
glad you are getting good advice. you are right- it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out. it will be great to try though. the drive in movies are so "summer" to me!
I hope you had fun and were able to enjoy some time with friends, even if you had to leave a little early. :)
(I need to watch Aladdin again. It's been a while.) :)
How did the movie go? We once drove 45 miles to the nearest drive-in movie, paid admission, waited for dusk, saw about five minutes of movie, and then both boys started freaking out and begging to go all the way back home because a *gasp* MOTH flew into the car.
It's no wonder we get so tightly wound up and why we struggle with risking spontaneity with our kids.
I too became terribly secluded as a result. But in recent years, I have found that I need to indulge my inner wild woman. I need unbridled, joyous, spontaneous moments for my own sanity, so I make sure I carve out me-time whenever possible. Hope you can find a way to do this for yourself. It's the best cure I've found for my old friend, anxiety.
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