Went last night to see the little jelly-bean.
It has been a while since I have gone. Guy has been seeing him without me.
Now I know why I waited so long.
It was a great visit. He perked right up and asked for "car pweeze" when he saw me.
Got the In-N-Out and found a neat little park to play in. He leaned in to me while he inhaled his food and the puddle of ketchup. We laughed and played chase and swings and climbed on the equipment.
The we reached the point where we would be losing control and getting in trouble. Time to go home.
I fixed the power cord to his computer. Saw the stack of DVDs that he had bitten and ruined.
Told him I was leaving and he said, "no" and had a concerned look on his face. I left his room and he pulled my hand again.
Crap. This one is going to hurt.
He ended up getting distracted by his computer again and I snuck out.
Crap Crap Crap. Here it comes.........the blame/sadness/horror tsunami hits while I'm driving.
Crap Crap CRAP!!!! I just have no tolerance for pain right now.
I just keep repeating the mantra that both good and bad are part of the journey.
4 comments:
i'm sorry it was so hard. but you're right, we have to recognize that there are equally good and bad parts to everything. as crappy and unfair as it seems. : )
Ugh. That hurt all the way over here. Sounds like you timed your exit perfectly.
When I was a teen, I used to babysit for a woman who would loudly announce to her separation-anxietied son, "Babyboy, I'm LEAVING NOW!", then hug him like she was never coming back again. Is it any wonder the poor kid panicked and cried for hours afterward? I tried to get her to sort of sneak out, but I think she sort of wanted the drama because she refused.
I hope that future visits and graceful exits will make it easier for both of you to enjoy your time together rather than dreading the moment when the togetherness has to end for the day.
You are really amazing.
I think it was difficult to get up the courage to go, and felt like you were missing a piece when you left him there...but would your "mama-self" been more in pain if he was completely indifferent?? Maybe he does miss you in his own way, but you have taught him how to cope. You ARE really brave!
My heart hurts for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be. You are doing good.
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