The time has come.

I have turned a corner that is pretty significant. I, with the agreement of my husband, have decided to find a residential school for autistic children.

It is incredible to me that I could even consider this possibility.

We have KILLED ourselves for 10 years with therapy trying to unlock our little boys' potential and find some way to co-exist.

I don't regret anything that we have tried and done. I don't think any of it has been in vain. If anything this experience has helped me learn my children backwards and forwards. There is no way I could have reached this level of understanding of their learning patterns and behaviors had we not toiled in an intense therapy atmosphere.

I just came home from a small vacation and am seriously evaluating our quality of life as a family. What is our life like? ( it is brutal and getting smaller every year as the boys get bigger/louder/stronger/frustrated.)

Has our quality of life improved over the years: no. It keeps getting more and more challenging.

My boys need CONSTANT redirection and activity. They need to be challenged 24/7/365. When that happens- they are calm.

Can I provide that? Can our school district provide that??

no.

I need my boys to be happy. I need to recover from marinating in a soup of stress induced cortisol.

This is going to be a huge undertaking. I'm so grateful to have help from others who have had to place their own kids in residential care.

This is what is best for them. This is what will help them be happier and calmer. This is what is going to help us heal as a family.

I am not conceding defeat. This is not giving up.

This is me being brutally honest about what my children really need. They need me to find them a safe place to develop.

wish me luck.