We made the decision to place the boys last week. Now all hell has broken loose. I couldn't sleep for two nights. The gravity of the decision has landed squarely on our shoulders.
My head has been spinning all day every day since.
It got worse every time I thought about explaining it to everyone who is involved in the boys' lives.
This is an enormous re-calibration of our lives.
What runs through my mind are the pros and cons of everything that we have done over the last 10 years and whether or not we still made the right choice. Out of all that I have come to a few conclusions.
1. If we hadn't pushed so hard for all the intervention, our boys would be in a very different circumstance and have exponentially fewer skills.
2. It is a totally unnatural experience to have your children leave your home while you know they are still vulnerable and still minors.
3. I know, I know, I know that we have done so much but it still doesn't feel like enough.
4. I have to battle against terrible images of the boys being upset and terrified of leaving, never being able to transition well to a new environment or having to settle for less than ideal circumstances.
5. It helps when my husband calls me several times a day just to remind me we are doing the right thing.
6. I feel guilty for fantasizing about having a peaceful home again.
7. In my weak moments I actually fear the judgment of others. Silly, isn't it? I project the disappointment with myself (which is TOTALLY irrational, of course) onto other people's faces. It is automatic.
8. I am ashamed at how relieved I am now that we have made our decision.
9. I dread peoples remarks that will come in the future. Instead of people saying, " I don't know how you do it", they will start patting me on the back and say, " I'm so sorry" and then I will dissolve into tears because it will trigger another scathing judgment from within.
10. We have learned to tolerate an insane amount of chaos. It is now normal for me. Not being able to tolerate "normal" anymore seems incomprehensible and weak. It feels like giving up.
6 comments:
Good luck to you and your family.
I remember that feeling when I had Taz hospitalized -- the fear, the sadness, the relief, the guilt about feeling the relief, the guilt about not feeling guilty, and on and on. Listen to your husband on this one: you are doing the right thing.
No one knows what it has been like for you, so no one can truly pass any judgment. We've only had a glimpse of what you live with every single minute of every single day.
I'm sure you've come to this decision with a lot of prayer. We know Heavenly Father loves you, Guy, DJ, Tyler and Spencer. If you feel like this is right, it's right. He has been watching over you guys all this time, and I know he won't stop now. I know this will work out the way it is supposed to. He wants you all to be happy and he'll help you get there.
Sending hugs from Texas! :)
I am not criticizing your decision, just trying to understand. What does "placing the boys" entail? How often will you see them?
Again, I don't know anything about your situation, but you are sending a 10 year old off to a home, or is it a school? If you described all of this elsewhere, I'm sorry to bring it up, just very interested in your situation.
We are finding group homes with the appropriate level of training in the staff for the boys to live in. Depending on where those homes are determines what school district and programs they will attend during the day. If there are no appropriate homes and schools for them, then we look at private autism schools. It is a long process of elimination.
Both of my boys are severely effected with autism and are non-verbal. They require a very high level of structure and stimulation 24/7/365. When they don't have that, it is very frustrating for them and exhausting for us.
We are moving them to environments that have the manpower to take care of the boys. We will be free to see them after they are stabilized. If is works for them, they can come home for weekend trips, etc.
I don't mind the questions at all. Keep them coming.
So are these places close by or are you moving?
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