Here comes more of the fun part. And I believe it is very similar for anyone who has suffered a terrible loss from divorce, death, breakup, etc. You go about your life and you run into the memories of things you have done with that person. You are doing those things again.....minus the one person.
I just went to the grocery store tonight. I was there with S just a few weeks ago. I timed my trip so that I would only be in there a few minutes. That way he wouldn't lose patience and start getting agitated. I only got a few things so that I would always have a free hand to hold his.
Tonight I remembered getting through that checkout line with my practiced autism face. This is a face meant to convey total serenity if and when your child chooses to vocalize and/or tantrum. You portray a zen-like attitude that says: autism is normal, my child is normal, there is no reason to stare or be alarmed....go on about yer business.
The checkout people were used to seeing S and would occasionally be polite and say something encouraging to him to make me feel better. And they were right. I always appreciate it when people are kind.
So here is the real deal. I'm not the same. I'm shopping at the grocery store and my family is minus one.
Definitely a weird feeling. I can see I will be running into that quite a bit. It is going to be there every time I see someone for the first time since THAT day. Nothing can prevent it from happening when I drive down that freeway without him in the car or when I pass by his favorite foods in the store. Good thing all of that is normal or we would be in some serious trouble.
Think I will go and take a loooong lovely walk with the dog.
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