more on the aftermath......

I went out of my way and tried to do something nice for myself today. I got my car washed.

It has been 7 months. Given the rain and gloom we have faced this winter, (seriously, it feels like we are back in Vancouver), I could always put it off.

Plus, I really stink at doing nice things for myself.

Now that the munchkin is gone....it has uncovered a mountain of procrastination.

The big SUCK....which was commandeering absolutely EVERY moment of every day....is melting away. A huge empty space is slowly yawning open and the sun is revealing everything that has happened for the last 10 years. (That is triggering the rage stuff....still dealing with it).

Along with our efforts, the light is shining on how much I have put aside either from fatigue or a nagging sense of defeat.

There was always a reason for putting things off. Every day was a plan that ran according to our therapy schedule. Every day I checked the calendar to see who was going to show up. The list of what i could handle was finite and small.

1. See if today was a minimum day at school.
2. Decide if I cared if the house was out of order for clinic meeting or a therapy session.
3. calculate how far away from the house i could go in case I got an emergency call.
4. Calculate how far I can go inside the window of time before the bus returned.
5. Recover from the disaster of the day
6. Anticipate what was going to happen
7. Brace myself to deal with whatever behaviors that were going to show up.
8. Count the hours until bed.

So in harmony with my own personality quirks,short comings, coping mechanisms, I have dealt with stuff by not doing stuff.

I feel like a toddler. And fortunately for me, Ty can do pretty good with running errands for short periods of time. (I'm also seeing how much he has been on the back burner because of little brother).

I'm still afraid of seeing the people I know. I don't want to lose control and cry. I'm avoiding the phone. But I can still see that this isn't going to be permanent.

Baby steps will help.

Oh, one more thing. I was listening to Dr Laura this afternoon talk about motivation. (I'm huge fan of hers and I swear by her books)
I can clearly see how I got in the habit of waiting for the motivation to spur me to action on some things. And i think it has something to do with this: Because I have had soooooo much positive reinforcement drained out of my life, MAYBE I got in the habit of avoiding doing things that were uncomfortable???? I kind of ended up gravitating to things that give immediate good feeling feedback. Something to counterbalance??? Unfortunately carbs and chocolate do NOT have the same effect as activities that don't include eating.
Sound like a convenient excuse?? i kind of like my answer.